Thought Disorder

Monday, October 31, 2005

right, remember my falling dream(s)?

Dreams of falling may be more frightening and disturbing. Whether you fall straight from the sky or in an automobile tumbling down a cliff, you are scared and out of control. Your emotions or stress may be getting the better of you, or you may fear losing control. You may feel unable to deal with a situation or feeling insecure and lacking confidence. You may fear failure or may have set your goals unrealistically high. Take a look at what's going on and reflect upon what you can do to relieve stress in waking life. Evaluate the other symbols in your dream. Is it suggesting a solution to the problem? What are the feelings associated with the fall? Are you so excited about something that you risk missing important details?

Dreams of falling when you've just drifted off to sleep may simply be caused by a drop in blood pressure caused by shifting from an upright to prone position. A limb may be dangling off the side of the bed or your partner may be crowding you. You may have noticed a problem with your car or potentially dangerous situation in your home. Your dream may be warning you to address these things before a disaster occurs.

felicia's officially stressed. what's felicia stressed about?! -_-
oh but i don't get those dreams often anymore.

ah i have a bad sore throat. croak.
and those awfully hated ulcars...

10:37 PM

i can't seem to pump enough air into my new bball. (maybe i should give it a name! ah no that's awfully lame.)

according to amelia, using the very very portable hand pump would take a deflated bball 30 min to be pumped. but mine isn't deflated! and pumping is definitely a tiring task. my hand is getting tired. i wished a foot pump or electric pump would just appear from nowhere to settle my problem. haha i'm plain lazy.

it can bounce but not high. how long have i to go? maybe i should spread the pumpings, like say, 5 min per day, which will take me...a few days to get my bball all bouncy.

that's way too long. BOO.

i should just pop over at some stall to buy a new pump. a foot pump to settle this once and for all. and i still remember the previous foot pump my dad got for me was stolen when i placed it in the metal cupboard in 1A's classroom last year. idiot thief! if i get a new one, i can pump my bball with ease but that will rip me of at least 10 bucks. (plus i still owe my mum the bball money.)

realise that i'm always broke. ):

anyway, why is NOBODY scheduling any training? (don't you realise that we're a stone's throw away from the bball comp?!) yeah and i'm all craving to play.

it has always been the case that i have to sms one of you to ask if we're going to play, which is quite lethargic to do so.

mmm, yesterday's bbq at amelia's house was fun! (her godbro was slightly irritating though) and i feel so fat because i haven't been skipping any meals lately like i usually do. better not go on food binges. that's why i should get my new foot pump so i don't have any money left to binge. yeah!!

there's co later! but great, i love it when it's scheduled in the afternoon, so i can devote my entire morning to sleep. training camps suck bad. early morning we arrive at school and the whole bloody day, plus week, is all eaten up by co.

more than half of my holidays is eaten up by co. co is a hungry and greedy fat pig.

i should just continue pumping my bball. (i think i'm going to get a foot pump to save time)

11:08 AM

Saturday, October 29, 2005

basketball fever!

it's in TWO WEEKS' time.
i'm inevitably getting the jitters when i think i'd flop or have inaccurate shooting on that day.
love it when the bball chops right through.
amelia is my bball-mate! (:
i loathe playing on an incorrigibly hot day with the unwelcomed sun rays shining into my eyes.
my mood decides my accuracy in bball, this is something that i must overcome.
i hate days when there're few successful shots. yucks.

the highlight of the day is that, I FINALLY BOUGHT MY BBALL. it's an exact replica of nat's when she first bought it last year (and we all went ooh and ah) haha but now it's...faded, smelly sometimes, flooded with nonsensical words but nevertheless, it's hugely welcomed among us. :D

i'm trying hard to forget 2A and it's going quite smoothly because i'm too preoccupied with bball and my effing CCA schedule.

everyone on msn is being so sentimental that i'm feeling rather guilty here haha.

y'know, sometimes when god decides it should be the end, just let it be the end. what else can you do? search for beautiful memories in your mind and keep replaying them to remind yourself that you are still attached to someone/something? yeah right then you'll feel so effing sad, so might as well do otherwise lah!

man, why are the books i borrowed not good at all? i don't have anything to kill time! tomorrow is another nlb day by the way.

i have nothing to kill time. bawl.
shit i fucking hate you because i don't know the exact reason why you chose to end it all. and i am a foolish arse to even think that i should try to replay those days which i, foolishly embezzled in. hello and you even went to delete me.

9:47 PM

Friday, October 28, 2005

suddenly i'm at loss and doubtful of what the future has in stall. i'm uncertain if i made the correct decision(s). like what they always say, teen years are riddled with uncertainty and it's entirely true.

maybe i take back what i said in the previous entry.

2A was another good experience in my life and will undoubtedly scar me with the amiable relations we shared.

we were a great class.

except that we love face too much and don't possess much enthusiastic egos. there were hardly any cliques or coteries in our class (but you can frequently spot in other classes). we rarely categorised people. maybe you could say we were like one happy class living each day in a happy-go-lucky manner, trying to avoid spanks from teachers. we were sarky in words and teachers viewed us as an incorrigible class. we didn't care less, anyway.

even the hardest and most resistant face shattered. happiness and sorrow were both sent via hugs and tears. tears of joy, heard of them? the thought of the people we don't usually cherish suddenly disappear from our lives really bruises.

separation is inevitable.

i don't know; i really did enjoy myself in 2A. i wonder what the future's like, because i'd be in another class with unknown people from strange lands. great, i took things for granted. because now, i'm not sure if i can adapt to the future class i'm gonna be in.

2A contains glam gems! 2A kicks ass!

good things always have to come to an end, someday. and that someday is today. but it's only in reality we see it as a finale, a last day in 2A. in our hearts we still know that we're the usual old always-frolicking 2A. we know, we know we're still.

like i said, finale. it happens all the time. even to the teachers we belittle and curse behind their backs.

MR KIW SIN WA IS RETIRING.

somewhat i don't fancy the idea of Mr. Kiw retiring. i haven't got the chance to be taught by him and to be 'nourished' under him. (maybe i'd get brainwashed somehow). afterall, he is Dunman High School's icon. he's widely known. he somehow has been the pillar of dhs, and we are all aware that it just won't be the same around without kiw (just a trendy nick everyone calls him. unique eh?).

Mr. Sng teared when he was delivering his last testimony to Mr. Kiw. the VP had to continue the testimony on behalf of him. guess kiw was really an important figure in his life. like a big daddy to him, but a terror to us. now no more terror. i'd rather have the terror back. i don't want lu han ling to ursurp his DM position, it'd be double terror.

eventually Mr. Sng choked back his tears and regained his composure and carried on with the speech. wow. this is the kind of principal that will win the hearts of the students. Mr. Sng is indeed a respectable leader in dhs. frankly, he's one of the rare people i've seriously respected. different from the masses i suppose. everyone recognises him as another pillar of dhs.

a big
<3
to 2A, especially to those who're leaving us for good.
mayfong, jingjing, rhoda, bock, and weiyan
GEMS!

8:20 PM

Thursday, October 27, 2005

integrated geog+biology+chemistry+BSP is my first option.

i'm not sure if i'll regret or i'll enjoy what i chose. no one enjoys what they choose, anyway.
my mum is contented with my results and that helped put a temporary end to her nonsensical nags. she's in such a good mood (partly because it's her birthday) that she told me she'll be bringing me to sign up for guitar tomorrow and i'm especially excited about it!

two weeks, we can make it.

i like playing basketball alone/with amelia better than playing with anyone else.

it's raining again.

my mum says God will decide and arrange everything. (and i hope that she means it)

11:59 PM

i'm thinking of placing

history+physics+chem as my first choice
geography+biology+chem as my second and
history+biology+chem as my third choice.

as for the electives, i roughly have an idea what do i want to pursue- Literature.
so perhaps, HAP lit as first, HAP media/theatre arts as second and BSP as the third one.

oh man, no MSP, no way. no triple science, they won't accept me anyway and i'm not least interested.

i've decided to continue japanese because i saw a very fortunate A1 on my report book today. :D plus i'd always liked jap and i want to go to japan for immersion programme!! unless time doesn't permit me to do so. i think that day would come in 2007 when we move to former rjc and then school hours will extend. ):

so we had our report books given back to us today. okay let me tell you, i was ultimately appalled to the extent of being flabbergasted. it was really based purely on luck and i think they have some miscalculations somewhere, don't they. the c6 was the most outstanding of the sea of a-s and b-s. ):

yeah today was the second last day of school and it's queer that i ain't least sad that i'm leaving 2A, for good. no one's sulking or wailing uncontrollably. everyone's having a whale of time playing cards in class when the teachers aren't around. and when twc comes in for a police raid, everyone panicks and pretend that we're playing some lame stupid game. maybe this is just the very special thing about 2A. we are somehow separated by unknown barriers and we don't give a hoot about class gatherings. but at least i'm aware that we're different from the other classes, in some way. and i'm thankful for that.

will 2A be just a mere memory that never occurred to me?
i'm not certain.
i'm not surprised if it is. not at all.

i have this bad premunition that it's going to be hell in the following 4 years to-come.

decision made for my own life: i'm not going to be led astray and am going to push myself forward to achieve better grades.

i don't care less if you stereotype me as a geek. i'm perhaps, study-orientated? that's what students are made for. not that people enjoy it.

today's my mum's birthday and i've decided to keep my mouth shut to not stir trouble.

7:54 PM

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

i'm afraid that after this entry i'll just flop onto the bed and drown in deep sleep.

there's this real scary thing that always happens to me when i'm sleeping. my mum witnessed it yesterday. when i sleep sometimes i'll feel that i've fallen from a building or some staircase, and then i'll jerk and the feeling is totally unfathomable. in my opinion i feel that i'm just trying to get back my balance (haha in my dream) and then it's so weird. it's like, i'm standing on a line that divides my dream and the real world, where i'm still sleeping. in my dream i'll feel that i'm falling down but in the real world i feel like i'm..sleeping. haha ok that's utterly weird.

speaking of sleep, i was extremely lethargic today for no reason despite turning in quite early last night. i grabbed every small opportunity to sleep. i slept through the entire acc period, some moments when twc was yakking about holiday homework (i slept right in front of her and she can't do anything, can she?), math when we were watching chaplin's movie, and even when the principal was delivering his speech during assembly. god it's a total crime to sleep. the acc teacher came over to wake me up several times and i was largely disturbed. her period only accomodates her stupid shows (which never interest me) and nothing else. what a twit.

sleeping on bus journeys is great, save for my bruised knee that cannot be propped up against the chair.

i hate my mum's nonsensical nags. she probes too much, she wants to get to the bottom of everything, she always assumes she's right. oh c'mon, just shut up. i'll sleep early to escape your idiotic questions.

haha and about dhs' dropping standards: yes it's true and it's blatantly apparent. we should all do something about it to save the situation and not to make dhs roll down the hill. it'd be embarrassing. (we all love face, don't we?)

sigh. i'll just promise myself again that i'll work harder next year. for now, i have an extremely important decision to make. I DON'T KNOW WHICH COMBI TO TAKE. ): history or geography? physics or biology? i don't even have a fairly clear idea.

it doesn't matter for the sciences because i know, i will never make it for them. i have zilch interest in them.

i think i'll take history.
i'm not sure if i'll regret. but i'm sure it's far more interesting that bland geography and i prefer thinking to memorising. i'll need history in my future job, won't i?

history is cool and not boring.
geography is boring and, boring.

i hate making decisions! but i'd want to decide myself, rather than have my eejit mother deciding for me, hence ruining my entire life. (AH I CAN'T STAND YOU I SHALL SLEEP)

9:45 PM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

let's just skip the bad parts.

well, i'm really in deep soup. (and you're in it too, so...i don't know what's the ending.)

okay whatever. the good thing about today is that i finally got to play bball after a long long long unintentional 3-day-break from bball. i felt a little out of touch. why is it that whenever i have bball plans it will rain like crazy? anyway i have this weird feeling that i won't be up to standard for the bball thing.

hmm, i've decided to place integrated history on a more upperhand position than geog. as for the rest i'm not too sure but i wished i could drop sciences, a waste of time. i would also gladly like to drop 3rd lang, reluctantly. and i would want to drop CO too. just learnt of the hectic idiotic schedule they have in mind for us. it's scary.

don't tell me anything about the geog presentation because i'm so vexed i've decided to wash my hands off the entire thing.

i bet after this bad experience no one's ever gonna touch my belongings again, right?
you touch, you break, you pay. haha. (my mum reiterates that stand)

eejit.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

ya haha pulau jong, cute!

my mum's on her boiling point. hmmm? deep shit.

9:20 PM

Monday, October 24, 2005

sometimes you're too engrossed trying to perfect your own life that you just don't notice the small, yet beautiful things of life.

what do we go to school for now? (the exams are way over and we are already being ushered into the holiday season) might as well be happily sucked into a good book, right? CCAs are pieces of useless litter that are like parallel lines with my interests, they will never meet.

anyway we had geog field trip today and it was darn gooood. ab-fab! (:
our class had jing, may, wanye, gena, and i representing. (we volunteered, actually.)
and it was a really nice solid excuse to not attend CCA.

hmmm usually on field trips (and they're especially rare nowadays), people bring along their state-of-the-art cameras and snap a million photos out of a small spot. sadly, thanks to my dad telling my mum not to get me a digicam the other time, i had zilch camera, and zilch photos. plus we have this presentation we must organise by sometime this week, and i don't think we have a lot of interesting photos to show our class. okay tell you what, when you're on field trips you photowhore, not decide on what photos to snap. if we want to present a blow-by-blow experience, we should cover all areas, even the slightest, most insignificant parts.

obviously some people were quite reluctant.

yeah, if i owned a digicam i would snap a sanctuary out of it. afterall, we're like half-witted "tourists" who are on their virgin experience on this "tour" and, taking photos won't kill.

apparently it won't. (i'm being so sarky)

EEJIT. speak of the devil, huh?

leave those anger-triggering parts out. 24/10 is a memorable day because it was my first experience out on sea! previously i thought that pulau semakau was just a stone's throw away, but it wasn't. we took approximately 1 hour to arrive at our destination. i personally took a fancy to pulau jong. it's so cute! they say it's treasure island or something, was once inhabited by pirates? wonder how the pirates look like. they shouldn't look like those we often read in fairytales, yeah? wished i had a picture of it, you'd sure want to have a good look at pulau jong. :D

the boat ride there was real long, and it was quite tedious. i felt a teeny hit of seasick, like my head was a little dizzy and i felt that my head was clogged somehow. (oh no not nauseous at all)

pulau semakau wasn't least smelly. there weren't any pests, flies, or smell around. it's particularly clean and the sea water is so clear. (it's like clear bluish green, real beautiful) it's quite serene actually, and you couldn't really spot the rubbish. afterall the rubbish has all been buried underground. oh yeah, the personnel working over there said we could see dolphins, both pink and black, if we were lucky enough, but anyway we weren't. ):

the seminar was sleepy, benign.

then on our return journey the sea became quite defiant and was rather choppy. but we had a whale of time when the boat rocked up and down when the waves were misbehaving. as usual, the return journey felt shorter and we got to explore the boat. people on other gargantuan ships (they're those container/oil ships, real cool) waved to us when our boat passed theirs and we waved back (yeah haha i know jing loves doing that). i liked the NO SMOKING signs imprinted in very large fonts on those oil-carriers. the scenery (practically everywhere) was el-fantastico. it's like looking at the world in another different, and new perspective. it feels totally different. it's like a new tingling sensation. haha. would want to jump in for another of such field trip, if there is going to be another.

hmmm i'm so sorry i always have no photos to colour up your imaginations (but you can then put your rusty brains to use, haha). anyway, it was utterly great to be back on land- Singapore, and not just any reclaimed land or choppy sea.

this is when you realise that you have never stopped to look at minute things that can totally colour your life.
this is when you start to appreciate the little things that might have never occurred to you.

maybe i'll get people to send me pictures so i can photoblog ok? AB-FAB! (:

8:18 PM

Sunday, October 23, 2005

i've added a new favourite haunt to my list: NLB.

though i'm not very yet certain, but i know i'm going to pay several trips to that lofty building. (ok maybe not very lofty but the escalators were treacherous if you didn't take the lift) yeah my first experience being over at the nlb, after repeatedly saying that 'i will go there someday, maybe next week?' for months. finally got myself there and i was a total noob when i entered, i found myself ascending from level 1 to don't-know-what-level and in the end i realised it was at b1- the 'library' i was looking for. (because i saw security guards guarding the libraries as i ascended and was quite bemused) oh well due to time constraint, i didn't quite get a detailed scrutinise of the entire library but perhaps, a scope? bound to go back there okay. (hello audrey told me she will accompany me so, better fulfil it yeah.)

patience is virtue: i finally got my hands on my long-awaited ben and jerry's. my mum got her share of it too. anyway she was telling the girl at the counter i had been darn dreamy about this ben and jerry's thing and that i kept harping on it. okay what, even if i did you didn't have to tell her. right, it made me sound like a kiddo. (freak i AM i AM i'm such a child at heart :D) well whatever, i'm bound to get more ben and jerry's the next time(s). it's so, delectable. fills your tastebuds with every little tinge of happiness (and sweetness!) to the extremest extreme. wished it had been soft waffle, it'd taste...heavenly. (hyperbole hyperbole hahaha)

parents are so ignorant nowadays. they don't understand what their child is undergoing at this stage of their lives. prime youth stage, one of confidence and ultimate stress-floods. they still naively think that their children have ample time to accomodate everything. they think that adolescents do not possess any burdens in their lives. they think that studying is a piece of cake. goodness, what a hidebound traditional way of thinking.

sometimes i wished they would just back off, from my life.
but i certainly can't do without them, they are my financial pillars.
i don't fancy the thought of opening my mind up to them.
they'll just roll their eyes in sheer admonishment, telling me 'go study, worry what?'.
ok yeah tell you what, i'm worrying like shit. about minor insignificant issues. (that might have never occurred to you)

nah.

parents should just try to shepherd a child's heart.
not try to buy it over. (ooh i'm not very ready yet)

i like this, so i'd thought i'll share it.

"It was spring, but it was summer I wanted,

the warm days, and the great outdoors.

It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,

the colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.

It was autumn, but it was winter I wanted,

the beautiful snow, and the joy of the holiday season.

I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,

the freedom, and the respect.

I was twenty, but it was thirty I wanted,

to be mature, and sophisticated.

I was middle-aged, but it was thirty I wanted,

the youth, and the free spirit.

I was retired, but it was the middle-age that I wanted,

the presence of mind, without limitations.

My life was over,

but I never got what I wanted."

well, it sounds downright familiar, doesn't it?
i well know who on earth reads my blog. it isn't as addictive as good read, so, why are you reading it?! aha, encroaching on the small turf of my life? (:

11:09 PM

Saturday, October 22, 2005

BLATANT LIAR.

11:25 PM

hell no, it will never be history. deja vu.
i'm still right here waiting, deja vu.

random facts about me (maybe you haven't quite understood me yet)
1. i'd prefer my original name, felicia, but i'm recognised mostly as flea and i don't really mind it.
2. i'm pseudo-happy.
3. i own incorrigible grades, yes all of you are aware of that.
4. most of the times i forget to read books that i borrowed.
5. i like basketball, wished that i could really get into the game.
6. i can't wait for the day when i finally resign from CO, i'd be ecstatic.
7. my passion for some stuffs i thought i'd cultivate an interest in someday, dies down like a fizzy drink.
8. i want to salvage that.
9. i enjoy reading that particular chat log.
10. reading that log makes me happy, for no reason.
11. sometimes i feel that i'm too mean, but i'm mean as in benign.
12. i'm mean because i don't want to display my weaknesses to others.
13. i don't understand guys, at all. (he's a son of a weird ass)
14. I HATE BLATANT LIARS.

just admit that you're at fault. stop attempting to weave cobwebs of lies to mask yourself because, you can run but you cannot hide.

7:37 PM

Friday, October 21, 2005

been getting a lot of sleep lately but still feeling unexplained wooziness in the morning. post-exam boredom and the yearn for more freedom during the exam crams are like two different worlds now. people like me who fail to make use of their time wisely to do wise stuff (for example, twc says "COPY!!") always find them themselves engaging in absolute listlessness.

yeah thanks to the current humdrum of the rate life's going right now, we've resorted to illegal gatherings in class, playing a lame game called murderer when we should be copying shit. it's a darn good way to pass time. free periods: that's what we go to school for. free blocks between every handing-papers-back session to allow us to recover from the shock we've gotten.

shocking, eh?
results shall not be published here.

i'm displeased with every single result. i'm always displeased, from years back until now, even after promising that i'll work harder next year for every year after the release of our eoy grades. the promise has never been fulfilled. when will it ever be? sometimes i realise, even after putting in great efforts to attempt to be on top of the game, the ending will be some smelly rotten fruits of labour. the feeling sucks utterly. seeing those people who never worked hard score better than you makes your blood boil even more, to the extent that you can hear and feel the bubbling bubbles inside.

i'm still glad that it's, finally over. soon i'll be on my way to secondary 3. it seemed like yesterday that i received my psle results and knew that i've been accepted by dunman high and was jumping around like a gleeful fool. then i found myself in dunman high, struggling in all aspects, scraping through years and now, heading towards a sec3 life. weird eh? freaky.

results aren't that important, afterall. they are just pieces of paper, or thrash, that you can easily crunch up and chuck them in the chute. they never did prove anything about you. if you think they proved something about you, what would that be?

in retrospect, they never proved anything wonderful about you, except that you're the intelligentsia of the class who pours over dusty tombs to ace exams.

freak i'm really digressing. back to topic. :D

i should just buck up, anyway. my A1s seem so far away. i have a fugly C in my report book which will wow my parents. i have so few A1s which will earn raised eyebrows from my folks. i have a relative number of Bs, as usual. associate FELICIA with B. As are glamourous. i had always loved As, who doesn't?

some sucky subject is still the bane of my life. it'll always be and i'm prepared to kick it aside after many rotten attempts to try to ace it. ):

plus i told a blatant lie to my parents telling them that i passed some sucky subject. wait till they see that underline in my report.

forget about all of that, i'm going to enjoy my coming days before school reopens again (next year) by indulging in basketball!(: sometimes CO just ruins it all. i wanna quit so badly.

ben and jerry's on sunday, maybe?

8:40 PM

Thursday, October 20, 2005

i failed some sucky subject so darn horribly, but it was expected. nevertheless, i still house a glimmer of hope in me that i'll manage a bare scrape past that f___ing passing mark for overall results, or else my folks will die of horror.

note: i DID study for that paper but FELICIA IS JUST NOT GOOD AT SOME SUCKY SUBJECT.

it's year 2005 but, no results will be published on this public blog. (you'll MOCK me)

):

there will be more terrible results delivered tomorrow. oh ____!

disaster begets disaster. my mum is hollering at me about didum now. argh. wonder what will happen when i break the horrible news of me failing some sucky subject.

she'll be horrified.

she'll be petrified.

she'll be flabbergasted.

she'll whack me.

just my luck. an onslaught of bad events. and they're not just bad, they're terrifying.

resolutions! (edited)

DARN, IMPROVE ON SOME SUCKY SUBJECT

9:21 PM

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

mmm, i love reminiscing. wished i could salvage it.
shit i overlooked those blatant hints. you knew me, didn't you.

yeah so today i went back to school to witness the interclass finals. 2I deserved to win and they won anyway. everyone put up a nice fight. props to all. then i saw shermaine there and we had ball for a while but my utterly stiff sacred finger was as stiff and hard as cement and no flicking could be tolerated. it's sad. it's a bad sprain.

last year we emerged 3rd, this year we have zilch. it's okay we'll be back, somehow.

bballing was very bad today. i should install patience in myself and wait for that swollen finger to heal.

anyway, feltay's new name is Y______! hahaha. :D

i feel so woozy now, and i didn't attend erhu today. (yeah who cares)

i never erased that memory and it'll be embedded in my head forever.

ps: my mum has finally gotten the truth out of me and, yay, you can see how i perish. ):

why did you.

7:07 PM

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

maybe i was just overreacting. sorry and am not sorry.

mmm, ok we lost the interclass but it was a glorious defeat. losing is part and parcel of everyday life, so guess we should adopt the right way of facing it, that is, by embracing it and learn from our past mistakes. vball is just not our forte anyway. it's basketball. (:

yeah then we had basketball after that near qian's house and it was good until i sprained my finger. the sacred middle finger and in my hallmark of finger sprains this might be the worst. freak yeah the rest can be left unexplained (you can just infer) after i sprained my finger.
conclusion: i cannot play bball well without using my fingers. (who can?!)

yeah ok resolutions. (i hate to be dependent i've decided to stand on my own feet, of sorts)

NEW BASKETBALL i'm sorry kl we couldn't get it this week because of me not tightening my expenses to make space for the ball.):

DEVISE A METHOD NOT TO GET INJURED ANYMORE i thought those days were long gone but i'm proved so wrong.

mmm sorry i can't think of any others currently because i'm having this bad problem here, which is my sprained finger. it's hindering my typing and my activities (meaning bball has to stop for the time being) and i have to rely more on my left hand.

ps: my mum keeps asking where's didum and she keeps asking if it's lost. see, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE HOW I PERISH.

oh well thanks a truckload. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the trouble stirred.

11:16 PM

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

yeah ok it's quite enlightening? adopted from Signposts For Life i was reading at popular again. maybe i should get books that teach about success and what kind of approaches we should adopt when facing life. it's probably, more interesting?

so it rained ravingly today and i reckon it's still raining. it's chilly and freezing even without the fan being switched on. it rained today till it flooded! (for my area only i suppose) and it flooded above ankle level (haha poor ankle). darn cool? perhaps, maybe not. snapped pictures for memory's sake (stupid darn irony!) yeah flooding spells trouble and i'm acting like a happy tourist snapping pictures. however no pictures to be uploaded here because, sad, my phone hasn't gotten it's configuration which i ought to have gotten it a long time ago but am lazy to.

don't you just hate it when your mum goes into your room?

when it rains, things do go awry.
when it rains, life slows down.
when it rains, it means that hurrying can finally be ceased.
when it rains, stop to look at insignificant stuff around.
when it rains, it means it's time to wash away problems.
when it rains, does that mean a brand new start?

wished history could replay. it'd be fun.
housing impossibilities
harbouring unfulfilled intentions
thinking about intangibles
intangibles are still the best in one's life.

9:04 PM

Saturday, October 15, 2005

the exams are over but i've absolutely no idea what to do. (which means, i'm bored) yeah i'm bored s.h.i.t.

seriously needed things
a trip to the sinseh better get my ankle all back and jumpy!
a high spf sunblock which will prevent overtan (which means, so darn burnt)
an improvement in bball i'm starting to get the jitters.
new basketball getting one next week! (:

things not yet fulfilled
ben and jerry's treat freak i've been waiting long enough
intense and crazy bball training of sorts? we five haven't got down to a serious game or just discussing strategies and techniques.
bowling trip! chinks i need one.
tennis and i doubt i'll ever get that.
guitar oh yeah it slipped my mind totally.
a trip to the national library ab-fab i know no one will accompany me so i'll just make my way there alone.
movie dates/marathon but i'm simply too broke.

stuffs coming right up
interclass games i'm telling you i'm reminding you that we're going to lose ):
bball comp! will need a lot of preparation (and first we gotta try to repair the disputes and wars between each and every one of us if we're gonna make it to the top.)
trip to pulau semakau i've no idea why i signed up for it but, great excuse to be dismissed from co. (!)

am going to try
to be more sociable (i do not roar and never will roar) so here's a smile for you :D
to practise bball every day how can it be possible?
to start packing my ever-messy room so chaotic in there.

as i'm typing all these i'm reminded of
erhu exam it's approaching and i haven't really gotten anywhere.
jlpt exam s.h.i.t.
resuming of co practices and they do eat up most of my time): idiots listen up, i'm going to quit for good someday and you just sit back and watch it materialise.
audrey's present delayed for countless of months.
the ample amount of time i have in my possession which will totally leave me drowning in boredom but at least i don't have to go mad studying.

i totally forgot to add this the other day: the dentist said i could remove my braces in a few months' time but i am not happy though(braces are nice!).

what can i do to kill time now? (try to convince myself that i'm not bored haha)
my ankle is P.A.I.N.

8:09 PM

nevertheless we still went but at least it was a tad bit more fun than those normal days we had bball there. played match and stuff.

secured ankle in an ankle guard and looked so fat.
the guys we played with were uncouth. yeah ok you know- those neighbourhood school guys who are gaga over bball. (i'm not prejudiced but they are)
they were passing stupid sarcastic remarks like, "jiang ying yu" (speak english) and "bu yao qiang nu ren de qiu" (don't snatch the ball from the girl) to their friends which was entirely dissing.
when i spoke chinese they were very appalled. (stupid asses) I'M CHINESE EDUCATED AND IS FROM A CHEENA SCHOOL WHO CAN OBVIOUSLY SPEAK CHINESE BUT PREFERS ENGLISH. and that's it.
but overall it was good, we got a few pointers by looking and do i have the right to say we'd improved somehow? yaaaa ok yes. :D
i don't mind playing with such brats. neither does amelia.

ahem, english is cool and refined.
i like it and that's it.

5:58 PM

IDIOTIC.

am not feeling very well.
am looking a little pallid and like a lobster (it hurts like hell)
am cancelling tomorrow's bball schedule.
am gonna rest at home.
MY ANKLE IS NOT IN A TIPTOP CONDITION.

in other words, i'm quite sick.

so there won't be browsing tomorrow. i'm not sad AT ALL.

12:06 AM

Friday, October 14, 2005

THE EXAMS ARE OVER.
long gone, banished into hell! *evil cackle!
anyway today was hell good. i'm sure feltay understands the reason why. (:

13/10
a day when chinese the penultimate exam ended :D
went to kovan and had a fair share of basketball.
dental appointment was weirdly sleepy. the colours were utterly weird but it's nicer when you stare at it longer. (amelia commented it looked like "me", am i green-pink person?)
yes that's just a short overview because nothing interesting happened at all.

14/10

freak i'm madly sunburnt and my face feels so sore. (despite applying SPF 30 sunblock.) haha k yay today rocked kickass.

school ended so darn early today- 8.30am and we were free! overwhelming euphoria. balling in school was pretty boring and volleyball just doesn't like me that much. ):

the basketball court is a heavenly place to vent all emotions, and i mean emotions of all kinds. :D
i really hate and loathe it when losers come and disrupt you, and i mean real LOSERS who just pay lip service without processing it in their brains.

at about 1+ they were engaging in infantile childhood games which was utterly spastic. (it attracted the attention of many others because they were purely lame and stuff)

yeah then at kovan it was so darn funny.
1. there were 3 girls playing at the court. suddenly one of them came up to ask us if we were from dunman high and we were like, ya. and she said her sister was in dhs and we were appalled. turned out that her sister was jenny from 2b and it was truely weird.
2. we were playing bball when the coach of the CC's team asked us if we were "de ming" and we were like, ya. it turned out that he was the coach of dhsbball guys and we were like flabbergasted and no wonder he looked so ass familiar. HAHAHA. he's so ass pro in bball. he can chop beautiful balls in which will wow you, leaving your jaw dropping on the ground. and it's truely weird that the standard of dhsbball is so far from that of the CC's team.
3. I SAW ___!

OK THAT'S THE MAIN POINT OF THE DAY. i saw ___. :D

since that's the main point, this entry shall end here with that. I SHALL SLACK MY ASS OUT NOW. (:

6:59 PM

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

poof math poof.

two days to sanctuary.
folks, i'm on my way to my respite. note: it's a hell long respite though. it's unstoppable unfathomable. the tingling bursting sensation.
oh cina cina i don't have the blasted study mood for you. (you suck so bad though)

how many special people change?
how many lives are living strange?
where were you when we were getting high?

1:32 PM

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

yes FREAK SCIENCE JUST SUCCEEDED IN MY ASSASSINATION!):

[expletive deleted]

not panicking about math tomorrow. three more to release! just three, persevere on.

[profanity deleted]

i ought to be mugging my ass out now, but i shan't care less. i got to meet amelia's godbrother today, finally. we+kanglin went over to kovan after school today to lunch and we had yoshinoya again. my money's well burnt out now. studied there but ended up like usual, gossipping and talking about certain issues. (for example, wailing that i totally flunk my science- it's the truth lest you don't believe it) kanglin left soon and we just continued studying there but truth is that i hardly did anything.

on a lighter note, I SAW 8 AND 11 today. (ok i know audrey will go mad)
8 certainly does look like someone. :D
oh yes i also saw bethleen!

details shall not be elaborated. this entry is hereby concluded with a "I'M DEAD AND TIRED".

7:39 PM

Sunday, October 09, 2005

someday, i will get my ben and jerry's ice-cream. you just watch me.

yes i'm making use of the internet for lit sessions again. it's tomorrow! shivers. i hope i fair well, well enough for a glam grade (alliteration- literary technique!). props to jasmine for introducing me to the website that you claim fabulous for studying animal farm.

today's forceful mugging updates again.
literature still struggling to complete but in retrospect there's nothing much to be done except bring your paramount item to the exam room tomorrow, which is none other than your brain and the good analytical skills that it contains.
science improved by 1 chapter. pa.the.tic. and still A.L.O.T. to go.

and the rest remains untouched. ):

anyway i was on my way to tuition when the bus broke down (BLASTED!). it was totally like a sauna before the incident happened and it was sweltering hot inside. i couldn't help but whip out some paper to fan myself to relieve that temporary but utterly unbearable heat in the vehicle. and then when it broke down the auntie behind me (fat, benign) was squeezing against me and then she was practically yelling over my head and leaning over me which made me almost scold [expletive deleted] at her.

there's this new popular near tll and i'd love spending time there if given a chance to. although it's a really small branch the books there are engaging (i know i shouldn't be browsing there, but who cares) and i'm quite taken into books that are non-fiction and those books meant to be material for reference. i saw this really funny book. a book on SMS LANGUAGE but i didn't have the time to scrutinise it so i just scanned for smilies and thinking about it, it's kinda stupid. shall visit the nlb some time after the exams and spend my entire day basking in the books! :D

featured today was lying. it's rather inevitable i suppose. understatement. it's just human nature, understand? not that people enjoying the art of lying but it's so natural a thing. who doesn't lie? most lies fabricated are protective and designed not to hurt the feelings' of others. must get that liar liar vcd! i must say it really sucked me in and i bet i'd enjoy it! (:

one week and it's gone for good! FOR GOOD. banished into the realms of hell for another year and then the vicious cycle repeats it, but i'll work harder! (quote: boxer, animal farm)

s.h.i.t. i just have this bad bad bad premunition SCIENCE is going to kill.
SCIENCE is plotting a perfect MACASSRE.
SCIENCE is my ASSAILANT.
SCIENCE is out to ASSASSINATE me.

8:35 PM

Saturday, October 08, 2005

SCIENCE, is scary. ):

forceful mugging updates (in chronological order)-
literature yes a lil pathetic shit. (MOV IS WAY ABOVE MY STANDARD!)
science umm started, understood chemistry :D
math don't remind me. it's going to be at the eleventh hour.
chinese someday when i decide to.
d&t of course not it's the least important one but still, have to mug extra hard for an A1.

conclusion. A1s are pretty, gorgeous and glamourous. they beautify your plain old report book once covered in red and permanent seas.

opting for internet lit session.
trying not to succumb to sleep so time can be made full use of.
going to attempt an argumentative essay.
must finish science until at least chapter 5, or 6. more the merrier.
am heading towards the great studying depression now. ):

10:10 PM

got myself diagnosed with paranoia by quizilla and it's relatively true because i'd always harbour weird thoughts of people plotting my assasination, but it's a benign plot which revolves around some social issues. faggot i can't put my thoughts across appropriately. forget it.

my mum got me waking up at 7.30 just to teach her how to use the freaking programmes (paint, is like chicken feet) on my lousy and slow computer (that's what she said) and she keeps complaining about the mouse, which is not an area of my concern because you're the person who doesn't know how to operate it correctly. plus she keeps comparing her computer at her workplace with this lousy and slow one at home. if you aren't happy then get me a new one! one that goes at the speed of light. i would like to have the really really latest and state-of-the-art or probably those futuristic kind, with tons of digging cool hi-tech programmes installed in them. (i hate paint.) and i want a laser jet which prints in a second and a scanner which has ultimately clear scans. oh and where's my digicam?

she'll never agree to my request(s), which reminds me of didum. i hope it's still safe, don't know what's going on now. my dad is just so slow, much slower than the computer. yeah and i bet he'll take dinosaur years to bring didum for repairs. and you don't have much time because the warranty is expiring in some months' time.

okayyyy so better bring it to creative, soon.

aaaaaaaahhhhhhh i need to drown myself in literature, chinese and science today!!

8:42 AM

Friday, October 07, 2005

and i'm begging you, i'm begging you to be my escape.

fridays are still the best. it's a day when you'll feel that those treacherous school days have finally ended but then this cycle just continues over and over again, until the last day of school finally arrives. and we'll scream. in delight. yeah.

i house no hope for the coming interclass.

but on the other hand, a definitive "we can clinch something somehow" for the basketball thing.

i should just divert my attention and concentration to the exams next week. yes i'm going to be struggling in whirlpools of science and chinese- bound to kill me. yuckkkkkks.

oh about geography, it was pretty fine. this particular someone was totally dissing me and i finally blew my top. at that moment i wanted to just tape her mouth to make her shut her trap.
i had to do workings for this particular question because i didn't bring my calculator, a fat disadvantage to me.
ps: i hate it when i say "oh shit i forgot my calculator" and someone out there goes "then too bad lah". it's so simply selfish of whoever says that. they must be gloating over the misfortune of i forgetting to bring something that is much required in the exam.

forget those dimwits who contribute to sarcasm and i would like to make a pithy comment: today feels unusually short, but not sweet.

8:44 PM

Thursday, October 06, 2005

a quick post for today, geography's tomorrow and i'm so quite dead.

quick pointers to engage you in my day:
1. i had myself wake up at 4.45am today, and plus the stupid public transport again.
2. chinese paper 1 was stupid. i was writing really gibberish nonsensical stuff. oh i'm so dead.
3. we'll be taking part in the east zone sports competition (whatever you call it!) - basketball for girls. dream team comprises qian, nat, wanye, amelia and i. (: rocking the courts like shit.
4. i was busy to the top of my head after school, ranting at asses who failed to hand in lit essays and they just don't give a damn.
5. and i helped qian with her art piece. (OUR art piece)
6. lunch at kfc. bandito again (yay qian's favourite too!) and i feel fat.
7. qian's sucker was there.
8. yeah and i have 4 chapters left for geog.
10. and mapwork. and plan 2012.
11. i would like to express my utmost gratitude to AUDREY for doing mapwork for me while i slogged at 2012 plan typing blah blah my hands are breaking.
12. i re-did my literature tltm assignment because mdm nora says it's not in so it's due tomorrow! and i completed it anyway.
13. i have many many plans after the exams, and is especially excited for the basketball thing.

love and fight.

7:27 PM

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

that sure bane. i'm still living in the exams phobia, this time like never before. i had better study like shit ass, disregarding the night falling. burn that midnight oil, burn that oil for another 9 days, 216 hours, 12960 minutes, 777600 seconds. it's just that much to me.

panicky.

yet i'm still on another break. geography makes me sleep. i wonder why the internet is not a sleeping commando. i have yet to revise for my chinese paper 1 tomorrow! just pray that i'll get scrapes, or maybe a slight better than that.

shit. i'm getting the jitters. on such a day. should have forced myself to crawl out of bed this morning when the alarm rang at 7.30am. should had done that. ought to have done that. am not having a pleasant time sorting out the mugging times for different subjects. am not even having enough time to cram.

i shall not reveal the details and status of my mugging. (too much of a failing schedule)
you'll just pass me that mock.
aah, get lost. whoever that has completed geography, science, or maybe everything.

5:36 PM

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

yes i think i'm taking this too easy and i'm taking yet another break from the books.

i had taken countless of breaks today, shoving plain stupid excuses into my brain.

the stars hit bull's eye. i'm really lackadaisical this week and refuse to study though geography is, 2 days away.

20 chapters left. please tell me i'm going to survive tomorrow.

fortunately tomorrow's gonna be a school holiday, actually a dhs-scheduled one for the school excellence award (i beg to differ) so they gave us a treat. a really nice treat. this. this holiday. to study for the exams. how thoughtful. it's well appreciated as i can make use of the entire day, if i really drive myself to the craziest extreme, to study and nothing else. i better remove the plugs to my computer to curb the urge to use it.

maybe my handphone would be switched off the entire day tomorrow, to disallow distractions. plus my sms is, exploding. i'm going to scream when the next bill arrives. my mum is going to scream even more loudly.

been going into critical thinking these days, especially today i guess. we have a future, our futures. you have yours and i have mine- different dreams to pursue, different tasks to accomplish. but what exactly does it hold for us? it's like a blurred vision for now, perhaps a few years down the road it would become clearer and clearer. bombarded by questions, hounded by dreams, eaten by thoughts.

no qualms? or are you still unable to break that pseudo psychological barrier of yours? time it takes, filtration it must. filter those negative feelings, all down the drain. struggle to purge that barrier, so vulnerable yet strong. when you're free look into your own faraway land, you'd find more solace, motivation and determination.

you want, you can, you will.

guess it just takes time.

11:55 PM

never mind(said with a typical Singaporean's lilt), i have High Tolerance Level(HTL).

HTL and WIN is my current motivation or perhaps, consolation and goal respectively. but i'm not really fufilling the WIN part as much as i did last week: ancient days of mugging jap. geography exam is this friday and i'm considering the menial act of mere flipping through the textbook for this.

whatever the case i think the result will be yet again the same, i will still mug like a crazy ass and chanting geography facts like a mantra.

entirely boring. i wished i had more common sense, so geography will end up like a piece of cake to me.

umm so i'm gonna continue mugging later. like ohdamnit not that i totally enjoy it.

anyway qian didn't turn up for school today so i was pretty bored. we had our final d&t lesson for this year, and probably the last of our entire lives, and also the last for mr lim. art exam was today. we completed it after school anyway, with qian's portion still rather empty and looking very weird. if it was painted our localised imitaion would look marvellous. shermaine was so damn particular about her part and she kept perfecting it. ours when pieced together will at least look pleasant to the eye, because of the fact that the colour combinations were relatively close. yeah and we kind of put everything together to finish up the swirls and last touch ups to make it look even.

i'm going to study, i'm going to win!
we must win. qian<3

6:04 PM

Sunday, October 02, 2005

did u catch EDISON CHEN on television today? he's SO DAMN INNOCENTLY CUTE which will melt your heart of steel. gosh.
and the same goes for takuya. hot dudeeeeeee. *hyperventilates*
well someday when i'm feeling a teeny weeny bit free-er i'll just post some pictures of mr. edison chen the oh-my-shiiiiit-so-bloody-cute ass. :D

please don't try to deny this fact. just embrace it with warm arms.
okeedokee. today was a pretty weird day. there were many weird asses wherever i went. that's like utterly peculiar. abit cheesy though.

i think i saw shannon but i wasn't sure if that was shannon because i haven't seen him in dinosaur years. if it was really him, he really changed a whole lot- he got himself an ear piercing.
umm. i'm referring to the guy who i reckon is shannon. i just have this queer sensation in me, telling me that's him alright.
but who cares.

on tv marathon now!
i like to watch hot dudes on tv and then go mad screaming over text messaging with feltay, who totally shakes her head in disagreement.

anyway, i know that's you in the tagboard, feltay. oh please.

unpardonable guilty sin- study plan backfired. i have to squeeze another 4 chapters into the week. (supposedly completed today, but...aww)

haha i'm in love with shows that portray vampires hobbling around with swift motion. wait, umm, i'm contradicting myself.
only vampires like EDISON CHEN are cute.

11:34 PM

Saturday, October 01, 2005

after reading jolame's blog, i decided to check

1. anecdote- short account of an incident (especially a biographical one)
2. whim- A sudden or capricious idea; a fancy. Arbitrary thought or impulse.

aha yeah. i'm gonna perish.

accomplised nonsense.
1. a plan for two weeks.
2. read the newspapers today.
3. cooking meals for myself. (my parents aren't in today)

and it's not like the exams are a year away. they are...days away. (!!!)
geography contains 39 chapters. i have 6 days.
i guess i'll have to burn midnight oil. sad.

k pictures that you might enjoy but i definitely love them.

WIN.

FIGHT.

"kei-rei-do-to-ri-ma-ku-ji-yuu-o"
translated (by me, lousy comprehension of japanese)
"but take/grab hold of winding freedom"

the cold and hard but heart-melting stare of despair.

7:49 PM

About

Felicia studied in Dunman High School, loves elmo, is a major drama addict and is a cake lover. She has quit coffee even though she loves it.